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The Milky Way's satellite galaxies provide critical clues to how low mass galaxies form and the nature of dark matter. Yet the properties of each individual satellite have been measured by different groups using different data pipelines. Here I present the largest uniformly measured sample of Milky Way stellar satellites. The sample is based on a homogeneous re-analysis of over 22,000 stars in 78 Milky Way satellite galaxies and globular clusters as observed with the Keck/DEIMOS spectrograph. Using this catalog, I demonstrate 20-50\% improved precision in the internal velocity dispersions over literature values, directly translating into improved constraints on their dark matter content and dark matter particle properties. I further explore key relationships including the mass-metallicity and stellar mass-halo mass relationships for these extremely low mass galaxies.